Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.
-Mary Sarton.

The self is elusive. What is the self? The reflexive answer is often “well, the self is me. It is who I am.” Yes, but who are you? How do you define who you are? Are you the sum of your attributes? A 5’7, female, with a bit of weight on her? Are you your problems? A typical ACOA desperately trying to be unique? Are you your potential? A photographer. A diplomat. Who exactly are you?

The self and the identity problem have always intrigued me. I’ve always wondered about the tenuous relationship between who we think we are, who we want to be, and who we actually are. For a long time I thought I was the sum of my problems. I truly believed that who I was, who I was as a human being, was defined by the problems I had inherited or developed. These days, I am not so sure. It’s no question to me that the problems I have – which I feel are many – have shaped who I am as a person. If I hadn’t been anxious my entire life I’d most certainly be a different person than I am now. But their existence is merely an influence on my character. They are not actually my character. A simple fact I often forget.

A quote I recently came across [along with a conversation I recently had] helped me remember I can be better than the so-called faults or problems I have. The quote is by Jerome Kagan and goes,“joy and serenity are not slavishly tied to our physiology. We are not programmed neurons over which we have no control. We are collaborators in the generation of our thoughts and emotions.” While I am a determinist – a philosophical determinist, fate and star-crossed lovers are better left to the new-age gurus than to me – I do believe we are capable of adjusting the neural pathways in our minds. We can change what our natural reactions are. We are not prisoners of our own minds. It is more like we are under house arrest. For the most part we’re stuck thinking whatever our brain decides to come up with but we can also move about and change.

A conversation I very recently had was much needed and much appreciated. I was caught, point blank, and basically given a what-for about my personality – rather, about what I do. I am admittedly not very nice to myself. I give everyone, and I mean everyone, the benefit of the doubt, the second chance, the pedestal. When it comes to me? I should have done better. I didn’t do enough. I’m not doing enough now. There is no excuse. I am, as with everyone, my own worst critic. The only problem is I do it to such an extreme. I get on my case about everything. Someone didn’t hear me? Chastise self for speaking. Someone makes a general comment about a category I fall under? Oh God, they’re talking about me. I better change. If I perceive of a fault, or if I perceive a part of me is bothersome or troubles someone I care about, I go into hermit mode and will either change it or hide it from that person to the best of my ability. Essentially, becoming a new me to suit their needs. That is not to say I become a totally different person when I am around certain people but I adjust what I say or what topics I pursue. For example, someone I know does not particularly enjoy sarcasm. I am extremely sarcastic. When I’m around that person, out of courtesy, I refrain from making sarcastic jokes or comments because I know it bothers them.

I oftentimes feel like I’m the sidekick in my own life. I am Robin, not Batman. I don’t feel as though I am worthy of my life. Given the opportunity someone could live my life better than I could – and because they could I don’t deserve it. I feel like I am imposing on the universe, as though I am an unwelcome guest who has overstayed their welcome. And this is in my own life. You can amplify that to get how I feel when I interact with other people. If my own life doesn’t even want me in it – why would anyone, anyone, want me in theirs?

I have to learn to be better to myself if I am to be better to others. The old cliché “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else” is true and [unfortunately] applies to compassion and being nice. I can’t be nice or compassionate in an honest and true way unless I am those things to myself, first. To exude the warmth, the caring, the general goodness that I want people to feel when they’re around me, I have to feel it myself.

I do struggle, a lot, with the idea that perhaps that’s just me. That’s just my quirk or my personality attribute that I have to accept as fundamental to who I am and move on. If others don’t like it then that’s on them ‘cause that’s me, right? I work hard to accept people as they are without question. One of the best compliments I’ve received wasn’t really a compliment at all. A friend of mine had come out to me and it didn’t faze me. It legitimately didn’t even cross my mind as something that could have been a big deal. I understand the concept that it is for people – especially if they’re unsure of how the person they are telling will react but for me it just really didn’t matter. It didn’t change my opinion or how I interact with this person in any way. Months and months later my friend and I were talking about nothing in particular and my friend mentioned briefly how much it meant to them that I didn’t make a big deal about it. My friend appreciated how I didn’t ask questions, I didn’t really say anything about it, I just went “cool” and we moved on to become really close friends.

People are who they are. So, how am I not who I am? How is this somehow un-me? Can you have a part of you that is un-you? Or is it you but you could be a better you by changing the bit of you that is sub-par? Will changing the un-me bit change the me bit? Or will the part I want to be me remain while the part I’m not so sure about be melded into something new, something better? Then there’s the question, how do you decide what is un-you and what is you? Is it as easy as the un-you is the parts you, yourself don’t like?

I am stuck a lot of times in a perpetual cycle of am I trying to fix something that’s not actually broken? Or, am I trying to talk myself out of fixing it because it’s easier to label it a personality trait and move on?

As of right now, this moment, I am under the impression that if I start teaching myself to ease up, to be nicer to myself I can remain the person I think I am – the good version, the one I accept at rare intervals when I allow myself to believe those around me [that's another internal battle, how do I say I think I'm a good person without sounding like I'm full of myself?] and become the person I want to be.

Another goal of mine is to be nicer to myself. To catch myself when I’m starting to go down the rabbit hole of self-doubt and stop it. I need to start reminding myself that I am okay. My life is actually mine and no one could do it better than I could, no matter what.

On Saturday I hope to happily report that I’ve succeeded in my goals for the week but for now, I will keep breathing and keep trying. I hope you will too.