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I am under the impression that being nice and being compassionate are not mutually exclusive experiences. While this blog has the name and proclivity to mention compassion I will also be trying to become a nicer person. I guess my goals are to remove the nagging voice in my head that judges others, pushes them away, and questions their motives.

In Field Notes on the Compassionate Life, Marc Ian Barasch often makes the assumption that we push strangers away. We hold trust the ones we know more than strangers. I have no real qualms with this assessment of the human experience except that it doesn’t seem to apply to me very well. I tend to question the motives and trustworthiness of those I know, while assuming the very best of those I don’t. My guess is this has to do with those oh-so-lovely trust issues I have.

This week’s goal is to not question the truthfulness of the statements those around me. I will work to silence the voice of doubt and accept that yes, maybe people really do like me as much as they say they do. That no, the people in my life aren’t just placating me like a child that doesn’t have a good enough grasp of human nature to realize people are being nice to them because they have to be. [Perhaps that's just a sad way of looking at children? How about a handicapped animal taken in off the street that's too useless to fend for itself but too innocent to kick to the street?]

I did not do my Tonglen meditation today. I have to work on researching how to do Tonglen meditation, how to meditate at all, and most importantly, how not to give myself anxiety while meditating.

For today, I focused on a conversation I had about the nature of niceness and compassion. Do I want to be nice or do I want to be compassionate? What are the differences? Should I be concerned with such a distinction?

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. I want to be insufferably nice. I want to be one of those people where it doesn’t even to seem to register that there is another option available. As of right now, for the most part, I do the nice action but I want it to be all the time. I want there to be no hesitation, no question of “will my nice action upset someone?,” “will my nice action put someone else out?,” “will my nice action be misunderstood?” I no longer want to question whatever niceness I act on. I don’t want to ask for permission to be nice [something I often to do in my mind - isn't that sad? Questioning your personality on the basis of whether it will put someone else out].

I worry I shouldn’t put my “achievements” on this blog for fear of being pegged as someone that just wants attention. I would like to give a warning: I do not do this for praise, for recognition, or for anything other then personal growth. I will put my “achievements” up here because I think it’s good to see the little things that can be done.

My goal for today was to do something nice.
I was invited to a party of someone that didn’t necessarily want to go to said party. I made sort of a fuss about going but realized my friend card had been pulled and agreed to go. Plans fell through and I didn’t end up going.

Goal: Failed.
Not because plans fell through but because instead of reflexively offering to go with no questions, no concerns about motive, or concerns about putting someone else out, I did all three. I felt I had to justify my reasons for going and even ended up feeling bad about wanting to go help a friend.

Save?
I suppose in a half-assed attempt to feel mildly accomplished I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom at my boyfriend’s house.

Goal: Gone to Judgement
I was successfulish because while it’s nice, I did it really ’cause I was tired of applying to jobs [which I desperately need!]. I was nice, technically, but not in the way I wanted to be. I wanted to be unquestioningly nice.

Weekly Goals [For Saturday, January 28th]:
1. Not question the motives/actions/truthfulness of the people in my life.
2. Do something unquestioningly nice. More than once!
3. Research how to meditate without causing anxiety.